Spotted | Kim Jong-Il Runs Illegal Hagwon
Kim Jong-il has been spotted everywhere and nowhere after his health-related disappearance in August. I’ve been tracking him down in the latest newswires and photos (all debunked as fake), but I think found him.
A man under the name “Mr. Kim” has been spotted running Mr. Kim’s English Edutorium, an up & coming language academy in Daechi-dong.
The school is purportedly one of the finest English language schools for preparing young minds for such advanced subjects as: The Art of Non-negotiation in Six Party Talks; Writing for Mass Media (emphasis on propaganda); and Nuclear Terms in Plain English.
Students are enthralled at the sheer passion that roars from the dimunitive Mr. Kim each night. “He’s been underestimated, and no one knew he spoke English so well. It’s a shame our parents can’t come to class with us,” said 14-year old Ms. K from Gangnam.
He is an impressive figure when one has the lowest expectations. He is an aging statesman, sporting Karl Lagerfield glasses (”Gucci is for the gay,” he said), a Korean grandmother’s impatience, and sounding like a late Marlon Brando wearing pajamas.
When asked how he became so fluent in English, he recounted a story in 1984 when he felt ashamed after he failed to read the ingredients on his Courvoisier in front of a foreign guest.
He turned that negative feeling into something positive by capturing his guests and demanding lessons in return for their freedom.
“At first when I watched such movies like Mannequin, I had no idea what the story was about. So sad,” the sunglassed Mr. Kim lamented. “Then after a few years of continued watching, it was like a light had been turned on. I totally undestood my enemy from the inside.”
Mr. Kim never looked back. He continued practicing his writing by personally tailoring his diplomatic memos and comparing notes when reponses were returned.
He admits his English was rough at first, and the letters often sounded threatening when they were merely attempts at cross-cultural levity. “Who knew there was a difference between the phrases, We’ve Got the Bomb and We’re the Bomb?” Mr. Kim gesticulated, “I certainly didn’t know.”
Part of his recent decline in English writing skills, he says, was due to the lack of practice when George W. Bush hardly ever replied. And when he did reply, it was hardly ever English.
Even despite those dealings, Mr. Kim mainly focuses his energies on the hagwon he runs in Seoul. Unfortunately, it is under investigation by authorities for visa violations; and for hiring native teachers, not paying them, and imprisoning them when angered.
“This is all cultural misunderstandings,” said Mr. Kim in a clipped cheery tone. After a few more years, he expects to franchise his academy in a ‘national revolution’ of the hagwon proletariat.
“I do this because children are our future. I mean one day, the two Koreas may be re-united, and these South Korean children would be such a burden to the state if they didn’t know how to repel invaders with insults and threats,” said Kim.
With the proceeds, he hopes to return to his impoverished nation and finance the utopian tourist-industrial complex known as North Koreana, a national tourist resort complex envisioned by his late father.
During this Christmas season, when asked what he most wanted from Santa, the North Korean leader-cum-hagwon boss replied, “Less fame, more youth, and statins. What any man my age would want.”
–The Seoul Satirist
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This picture is not photoshopped. I mean look, it’s to scale. Giant kids; pygmy leader. I authenticate.
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