Ratemyhagwon, after much deliberation, intelligence work, and scanning the newswires has put all the pieces together:

Last week, the man who brought the nuclear ax to the axis was spotted in an Athens, Georgia record store, casually browsing albums and testing out Shure 1000s.   It was rumored that he suddenly had a change of heart (literally), then flew to America, ate hamburgers, lived life, fell in love, and experienced a late-in-life August rush.

It appears this weekend, however, North Korea’s prodigal son Kim Jong-il has returned home (or back in time) to resume fist-over-chest control of his family business.  He is reportedly fully recharged after having suffered a stroke in early August, when he discovered that his secret derivatives portfolio in Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG, and Lehman Brothers held no more value than the counterfeit dollars he purchased them with. 

Kim Jong-il, or just “ill” as some friends anonymously refer to him, has recently been shown on state television and the world back at work.  Through blurry stills, we can see he has shed his T-shirt and chucked his Coldplay in favor of his standard workers’ uniform and Gucci shades. 

Two female army aides have been his constant companions.  The NK state news is denying speculation that they are his nurses, instead saying they are just as they appear to be–concubine colonels.  With the state fashion police at his side, he appears to be mulling over a choice between leasing his Gulfstream or executing his portfolio managers.

HT to the Korea Beat and the Korea Times for these wonderful photos, the authenticity of which are being widely questioned.  Kim Jong-il, in all likelihood, is still gravely ill and will not be able to resurface–assuming he is aboveground now–until November.  Four months is the minimum time it takes for most cracked sternums to heal.

–Editor

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